The Fourth of July Celebration 2011
|The Fourth of July is always a great day of celebration in Spondyville. The fireworks display held in Fuselot Park, on the Northeast corner of Ankylosinger Square, is beautiful and not to be missed.
The patented reclining park benches and free prism binoculars provided by a grant from the Marie Strumpell Foundation offer an excellent view of the fireworks for all those ASers with fused necks and spines who are normally unable to look up.
Town handyman, Throckmorton "Pops" DeMaupassant, wearing his traditional purple plaid beret and chartreuse overalls, will supervise, as he does every year, the lighting of the fireworks. This year, he has been provided with several butane lighters by the Spondyville Chamber of Commerce, as back-ups just in case he once again drops all the matches into the park's fountain.
Picnic tables are available for Spondyville residents on a first-come basis. BYOM (Bring Your Own Meds)
The Fireworks start at dusk, following the band concert in the gazebo opposite the Pharoah's Obelisk.
This year, the Spondyville Symphony will be performing selected hits from Sweeney Todd performed by the Reitersburg choral society featuring guest rappers, GladysX, JayY, and ZuiderZ.
Other events include: The Annual Spondyville Codger parade which will begin, as always, at 4PM after their naps. This year's grand marshall will once again be Spondyville's oldest resident, 106 year old Bartholomew "Skippy" Baudelaire, the Sports Reporter Emeritus for the Spondyville Times-Picayune.
The Annual Apple Pie Crust-Off, however, in which residents from Spondyville's Scalytown neighborhood try to eat a slice of apple pie as fast as they can without losing a single flake of facial psoriasis has again been postponed due to extreme excema.
The four-legged potato sack race, where husbands and wives are tied together and forced to hop in burlap sacks while passing potatoes back and forth using only their mouths, will abide by the strict guidelines set by the Supreme court concerning cruel and unusual picnic contests.
And of course, what would the 4th of July be without baseball?
Over at Brogna Field, our hometown team, the lovable Spondyville Fusers will be playing a twi-night double-header against their arch-rivals, the Crohns Corners Cronies starting at 5:30PM. Fusers manager, Buck McCall, promises a spirited athletic competition between two teams that literally hate each other's guts.
Free Fusers medical ID bracelets to the first 100 fans to squeeze themselves into the bleachers.
A special Sulfasalazine sun-block is available free of charge for interested individuals.
July 7, 2011 ... UPDATE
The scene was tense at this beginning of this years twi-night double-header between our beloved Spondyville Fusers and their arch-enemies, the Crohn's Corners Cronies. The Cronies coaches were periodically pelted with purple petunias tossed by Fusers fans as a reminder of their outrageous and 'bee-sotted' shenanigans of last year, which probably cost the Fusers a spot in the playoffs.
For those not in attendance last year, the crafty Crohn's Corners coaches caused complete chaos by secretly importing three dozen beehives and, during their afternoon warm-ups, hiding them in various locations around the field. They then hired two dozen Winnie the Pooh impersonators to run onto the field every time the Fusers got on base, and scream, "C’mon Piglet, we’re taking the Hunny!"
Naturally, the bees, hearing this, would all swarm out of their hives looking for the person who wanted to steal their hunny, errr, honey. But, of course, no matter which hive they swarmed from, there would be a nearby Winnie-the-Pooh to take off after to try to get their hunny back.
After the first four hits in the second inning, the brouhaha became unstoppable. There were bees and Winnies everywhere, all flying and / or running around in a panic. The Fusers, many of whom, it turns out, are allergic to bee stings, were tagged out after every hit because they refused to stay on base when it was swarming with bees. The Fusers manager, Buck McCall tried to call 'time out', not once, but several times, but the umpires were also running around like chickens sans heads, if you get the picture. Fortunately, for the Fusers, the Payne Brothers Hunny Emporium, a Spondyville landmark since 1947, is only a couple of blocks from Brogna Field, and the Fusers quick thinking manager called for an immediate delivery of their famed purple hunny pots, (“with the hunny inside!”) placing one pot on each base to appease the bees and reassure them that no-one was taking their hunny. The Winnie-the-Pooh impersonators were then rounded up by Spondyville town constable Crimp (The cop with the limp), and by the seventh inning, order had been restored. Unfortunately, by that time, the Fusers had stranded more than a dozen men on base, and the Cronies, (who all wore bee repellent and padded uniforms that day), shamefully won the game Five to Nothing.
Fortunately, this year, manager Buck McCall and the Fusers were ready for any mischief that the Cronies might try to pull, and confiscated 12 rubber chickens, 22 whoopee cushions and several gallons of molasses after a thorough search of the Cronies equipment bags.
The games were played without incident … the Fusers managed four inside-the-park singles to win the first game, 1-0 in ten innings, and the Cronies eeked out a win in the second game, 17-3.